guilt.

I'm not a drinker. I don't even think I drink once a month. Saturday night, after I was in the Vagina Monologues, I went out for a few drinks with my boyfriend and three of my best friends. None of my clients were "in window" (within two weeks of their due date), so I didn't think it would be a problem. I ended up drinking way too much. One of my clients, one that has been a very good friend of mine for over a year, broke her water Saturday night. I don't know that I've ever felt the kind of guilt I felt when I told her I couldn't come be with her. She was just shy of 37 weeks, so I didn't think there would be an issue. Had it been even one more week, I wouldn't have even had a glass of wine. I hate that I wasn't able to be there for her. I know I could have made her labor go easier had I been able to be there. The baby girl was born beautifully, and my client did an amazing job, but I had to break a promise to a very good friend. I wish I could put into words the amount of guilt and heartbreak I feel right now. It makes me wonder if my mom and grandma are right in thinking I shouldn't go into traditional midwifery. If I were to go into nurse midwifery, I would have a set call schedule. I would be so unhappy though. I am so very thankful for Jason in times like this. He doesn't question my decisions, he assumes that I have researched and that I know what I'm getting myself into. Saturday night will not happen again. There are too many wonderful women counting on me to be available to them for me to get drunk like that. I feel so very empowered when assisting other women in labor because it makes them feel empowered. I am terribly sorry that my friend was let down in the process, but some lessons have to be learned the hard way. I'm so glad her baby girl is so beautiful and perfect. I don't know that I would be able to live with myself if she hadn't been born so perfect.