guilt.

I'm not a drinker. I don't even think I drink once a month. Saturday night, after I was in the Vagina Monologues, I went out for a few drinks with my boyfriend and three of my best friends. None of my clients were "in window" (within two weeks of their due date), so I didn't think it would be a problem. I ended up drinking way too much. One of my clients, one that has been a very good friend of mine for over a year, broke her water Saturday night. I don't know that I've ever felt the kind of guilt I felt when I told her I couldn't come be with her. She was just shy of 37 weeks, so I didn't think there would be an issue. Had it been even one more week, I wouldn't have even had a glass of wine. I hate that I wasn't able to be there for her. I know I could have made her labor go easier had I been able to be there. The baby girl was born beautifully, and my client did an amazing job, but I had to break a promise to a very good friend. I wish I could put into words the amount of guilt and heartbreak I feel right now. It makes me wonder if my mom and grandma are right in thinking I shouldn't go into traditional midwifery. If I were to go into nurse midwifery, I would have a set call schedule. I would be so unhappy though. I am so very thankful for Jason in times like this. He doesn't question my decisions, he assumes that I have researched and that I know what I'm getting myself into. Saturday night will not happen again. There are too many wonderful women counting on me to be available to them for me to get drunk like that. I feel so very empowered when assisting other women in labor because it makes them feel empowered. I am terribly sorry that my friend was let down in the process, but some lessons have to be learned the hard way. I'm so glad her baby girl is so beautiful and perfect. I don't know that I would be able to live with myself if she hadn't been born so perfect.

The Genesis of a Midwife

In June of 2011, I had the crazy idea to become a Doula. I'm honestly not sure what started this plan, but it felt right. I knew women could birth naturally, and I was going to help them do it. So in July 2011, I went to my first DONA Doula training with Rayna Starr. I knew then that this was going to be my new home. I could encourage women to look within themselves and find the tigress that has been hiding. We instinctively know how to birth, we just need to be surrounded by people who are encouraging instead of detrimintal to our goals. This thought was pushed even farther in my mind by the training that I did with DONA.
I have been a Registered Nurse for nearly two years, and so I always assumed I would become a Certified Nurse Midwife. However, after researching the differences between CNM and Certified Professional Midwife, I knew that my heart could not be in becoming a CNM. I would have been very unhappy having to defer what I had been taught and what I had researched in favor of what hospital policy or a Doctor decided was right. This led me to the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery and a wonderful CPM named Amy Reynolds. Amy allowed me to come with her to prenatal appointments with her clients and has let me Doula to two of her moms.
On Sunday, 2/12/12, I was able to witness the amazing, heart-wrenching, soul-lifting birth of a beautiful baby boy. He was born into his father's arms, in a pool of water, at his house. I have never felt such joy and peace at once in my life. I knew this was my calling.
Monday, 2/13/12, I interviewed with the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery. It was a long process, lasting from 10 am until 3 pm. I met with the Dean of Academics, the Dean of Students, the Financial Aide advisor, and an instructor. I felt confident leaving that I was making the right choice, but was told that I would have to wait up to two weeks before I could find out if I was accepted or not.
Today, 2/15/12, I received a phone call that has changed my life. I am accepted into the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery. Please join me on this wonderful journey of becoming who I was born to be.