Interpersonal Relationships and Communication Skills Day 1

The single biggest problem in communication is that it has taken place. ~ George Bernard Shaw This was the quote Jenessa (my teacher) put on the board just before starting class. It really struck a chord with me because I know I have problems communicating. I want to speak, but I'm always worried that the words and gestures I'm using are coming across wrong. I often feel like I lack certain social skills. I feel this class will be good for me. I really hope to learn a lot from it that I can use in my personal life as well as my professional life. I worry that I have often burned bridges that did not need to be burned, and probably would not have been, had I taken the time to realize how the words I was using may have sounded to another person. I am especially hopeful to see how my inner monologue changes during this class. One of my favorite quotes is, "If you had a friend who talked to you like you talk to yourself, you wouldn't want them around very long." It's so true. I am often putting down my efforts and trying to squash my dreams. I will not be doing that anymore. For every negative thought I direct towards myself, I will say two positives. I believe that hearing myself say these things, rather than just thinking them, will make my mind believe them more.

good bye health department

Tomorrow is my last day at the Marion County Health Department. I have so many emotions right now, it's difficult to sort through all of them. I'm sad to say goodbye to my friends, excited to meet new friends, frustrated that I couldn't keep a job I loved and go to school to learn how to do something I love, thankful for a boyfriend that's willing to let me quit my stable job to go to school, irritated that people keep trying to change my mind, and scared. Scared of so many things. I know I'll be a wonderful midwife and yet I wonder how I will fare being a midwife and a mother. I realize becoming a mother will be a few years from now, but it is something to consider. In the end though, I can't imagine how everything has fallen into my lap in such a manner only to have it fail later. I became a Doula after researching information when I found out my little sister was pregnant. It took me less than two months from finding out about what a Doula was to becoming one. From there, I knew I wanted to become a Midwife, but was uncertain of whether I should do nurse-midwifery or traditional-midwifery. There is a traditional-midwifery school about 40 minutes from my house, but I was scared. Too many scary things can happen during birth to trust myself to help women birth at home. The first birth I attended was at a hospital, and I knew there had to be more. More support, more love, more spirituality, more autonomy for the mother, more ... SOMETHING. My second birth was also at a hospital. I felt even more confirmed in my ideas that there needed to be more. The second birth, the nurses came into the room very rarely, perhaps once an hour, and it really struck me. How are these nurses to know when/if something is wrong if they're never in the room? Still, I had reservations about traditional-midwifery. Then I attended a homebirth. What an AMAZING new world! The midwife allowed her birthing mother to call the shots. She moved when she felt like moving. She ate when she felt like eating. She drank when she felt like drinking. She was able to call the shots on who was allowed in the room with her and who wasn't. And the look on that particular mother's face when she finally delivered her baby was powerful. She knew she had finally accomplished what her body was built to do. Without the help of a male doctor telling her what to do. Without the use of pain killers. Without fear. That is what life is about. Living without fear. Time to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and make that leap of faith into the unknown. I'm ready.

guilt.

I'm not a drinker. I don't even think I drink once a month. Saturday night, after I was in the Vagina Monologues, I went out for a few drinks with my boyfriend and three of my best friends. None of my clients were "in window" (within two weeks of their due date), so I didn't think it would be a problem. I ended up drinking way too much. One of my clients, one that has been a very good friend of mine for over a year, broke her water Saturday night. I don't know that I've ever felt the kind of guilt I felt when I told her I couldn't come be with her. She was just shy of 37 weeks, so I didn't think there would be an issue. Had it been even one more week, I wouldn't have even had a glass of wine. I hate that I wasn't able to be there for her. I know I could have made her labor go easier had I been able to be there. The baby girl was born beautifully, and my client did an amazing job, but I had to break a promise to a very good friend. I wish I could put into words the amount of guilt and heartbreak I feel right now. It makes me wonder if my mom and grandma are right in thinking I shouldn't go into traditional midwifery. If I were to go into nurse midwifery, I would have a set call schedule. I would be so unhappy though. I am so very thankful for Jason in times like this. He doesn't question my decisions, he assumes that I have researched and that I know what I'm getting myself into. Saturday night will not happen again. There are too many wonderful women counting on me to be available to them for me to get drunk like that. I feel so very empowered when assisting other women in labor because it makes them feel empowered. I am terribly sorry that my friend was let down in the process, but some lessons have to be learned the hard way. I'm so glad her baby girl is so beautiful and perfect. I don't know that I would be able to live with myself if she hadn't been born so perfect.

The Genesis of a Midwife

In June of 2011, I had the crazy idea to become a Doula. I'm honestly not sure what started this plan, but it felt right. I knew women could birth naturally, and I was going to help them do it. So in July 2011, I went to my first DONA Doula training with Rayna Starr. I knew then that this was going to be my new home. I could encourage women to look within themselves and find the tigress that has been hiding. We instinctively know how to birth, we just need to be surrounded by people who are encouraging instead of detrimintal to our goals. This thought was pushed even farther in my mind by the training that I did with DONA.
I have been a Registered Nurse for nearly two years, and so I always assumed I would become a Certified Nurse Midwife. However, after researching the differences between CNM and Certified Professional Midwife, I knew that my heart could not be in becoming a CNM. I would have been very unhappy having to defer what I had been taught and what I had researched in favor of what hospital policy or a Doctor decided was right. This led me to the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery and a wonderful CPM named Amy Reynolds. Amy allowed me to come with her to prenatal appointments with her clients and has let me Doula to two of her moms.
On Sunday, 2/12/12, I was able to witness the amazing, heart-wrenching, soul-lifting birth of a beautiful baby boy. He was born into his father's arms, in a pool of water, at his house. I have never felt such joy and peace at once in my life. I knew this was my calling.
Monday, 2/13/12, I interviewed with the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery. It was a long process, lasting from 10 am until 3 pm. I met with the Dean of Academics, the Dean of Students, the Financial Aide advisor, and an instructor. I felt confident leaving that I was making the right choice, but was told that I would have to wait up to two weeks before I could find out if I was accepted or not.
Today, 2/15/12, I received a phone call that has changed my life. I am accepted into the Florida School of Traditional Midwifery. Please join me on this wonderful journey of becoming who I was born to be.