good bye health department

Tomorrow is my last day at the Marion County Health Department. I have so many emotions right now, it's difficult to sort through all of them. I'm sad to say goodbye to my friends, excited to meet new friends, frustrated that I couldn't keep a job I loved and go to school to learn how to do something I love, thankful for a boyfriend that's willing to let me quit my stable job to go to school, irritated that people keep trying to change my mind, and scared. Scared of so many things. I know I'll be a wonderful midwife and yet I wonder how I will fare being a midwife and a mother. I realize becoming a mother will be a few years from now, but it is something to consider. In the end though, I can't imagine how everything has fallen into my lap in such a manner only to have it fail later. I became a Doula after researching information when I found out my little sister was pregnant. It took me less than two months from finding out about what a Doula was to becoming one. From there, I knew I wanted to become a Midwife, but was uncertain of whether I should do nurse-midwifery or traditional-midwifery. There is a traditional-midwifery school about 40 minutes from my house, but I was scared. Too many scary things can happen during birth to trust myself to help women birth at home. The first birth I attended was at a hospital, and I knew there had to be more. More support, more love, more spirituality, more autonomy for the mother, more ... SOMETHING. My second birth was also at a hospital. I felt even more confirmed in my ideas that there needed to be more. The second birth, the nurses came into the room very rarely, perhaps once an hour, and it really struck me. How are these nurses to know when/if something is wrong if they're never in the room? Still, I had reservations about traditional-midwifery. Then I attended a homebirth. What an AMAZING new world! The midwife allowed her birthing mother to call the shots. She moved when she felt like moving. She ate when she felt like eating. She drank when she felt like drinking. She was able to call the shots on who was allowed in the room with her and who wasn't. And the look on that particular mother's face when she finally delivered her baby was powerful. She knew she had finally accomplished what her body was built to do. Without the help of a male doctor telling her what to do. Without the use of pain killers. Without fear. That is what life is about. Living without fear. Time to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and make that leap of faith into the unknown. I'm ready.